[Mama_Knowles]

Oh Tamara I am sorry to hear this! We have been going through the same thing ourselves. (we lost our home so FIL could sell our home for his profit.) We have been trying to pick up the pieces and start over again. My parents have been wonderful in letting us stay with them. If you need talk let me know.

Huggs!!

Sharon

[Tamara]

Oh! I feel like crying now! i have had yet another sleepless night over this and to find out you Sharon have had to uproot your little family due to the same thing?! Family should always come first business or not.

Ah! The fiancé! Let me say she has been appearing in and out of our lives for so long. She was a girlfriend that was ditched for my mil and then she interfered in their marriage by having an affair with Fil and then just two weeks after we buried Mil, fil tells us he is sick of us and that he is going on a road trip by himself. We found out that even though he took Murray’s swag he was staying in hotels with her!

He popped the question because Murray gave him stick about elders being judged harsher. She declined at first then changed her mind!!! Why? And then suddenly it snowballed.

He has not long returned from a Holy land tour and he has bought a house with her that resulted in him spending the whole amount of his retirement. He is even pushing our young 18 year old nephew to purchase his mother’s house in order to get hold of the poor boy’s money his mum left him for educational purposes just so he can continue this lifestyle. Matt wants to go to uni next year so needs this to pay for it!

I know we are not alone as a farming family. I have witnessed two families in my area alone become estranged with other family members over the farm business. Unfortunately, the accountant seems to think the stamp duty on purchasing the place will kill us so it isn’t really an option. Our latest offer was very very generous. It was more than what he initially wanted, giving 10% of our whole crop earnings (which includes what we crop on our place) and we cover the rates and bills plus insurance in exchange for a father/ son transfer. We were willing to pay him for the land up until his death and it was turned down! Instead he wants more than the going rate plus hire of the plant (which like I said Murray owns alot of it and the machinery is maintained and insured by us anyway). All this with no guarantee we will actually inherit the farm at the end of it.

His family doesn’t matter to him anymore since this woman came on board. He was summoned to his new home by her and ordered to stay put so he couldn’t come out to the farm to have an early Christmas with us before our nephew went to Thailand. Instead I had to pick up the pieces and cancel whatever plans we had for the day to cook a Christmas meal and pick up the pieces.

I found out when he rang for my birthday (the day after I might add) that they had a Christmas party with all “their” friends in Perth on that weekend. I was fuming! Mainly over the fact that he now exhibits “weak man” behaviours when it comes to her and abandons his family because of her.

They are getting married on January the 8th and we are not going! Instead we will be here trying to pick up the pieces of our life and doing what we can to retain some sort of dignity.

I would not wish this experience on anybody. So I am praying so hard that next year will be ten thousand times better – somehow.

Sharon! Yes please if you are very willing to vent along with me of course! We just shouldn’t treat our families this way. We are seen as the bad people in town over this because people just see that we don’t agree with the marriage. They don’t know the half of what is going on.you just don’t treat your family like this and a succession plan needs to be put in place when the son gets married – which for us was twelve years ago. My fil didn’t want to retire and now since this woman has a hold over him, he is announcing we have to lease the farm, not giving us a choice and then making sure he makes our lives an absolute hell because of it. So we will have to vent together ok?

I will endeavour to not talk alot about this subject on the forum. I do understand it comes as a very sensitive matter. But I do hope that you all understand that I have been keeping this quiet for the past year and just simply can’t hold it in in any further.

[with love Heidi]

Thinking and praying for you all, Tamara! This is one time where I wish we still lived in Perth and could offer you somewhere to stay, even just for a few days! If you can get to where we are you are welcome to come and stay, even though it’s a very long way 🙁

The first thing I thought of when I heard she had been ditched for your Mil made me think “Wow, that’s a long time to hold a grudge!”

And well done Murray standing up for his for his Christian ethics! It is not fun to have the remind someone older let alone a parent!

Tamara, praying for your family, extended family, church and community!

[Tamara]

Thankyou so much Heidi. I am so extremely grateful to be able to express some of what has been going on. It has lifted some of the burden I carry. It is not a healthy thing to hold all this in and even though I have been to see the counsellor she doesn’t know the latest.

My fil is an old cocky (farmer) who is such a stick in the mud! He was never treated this way by his father yet his dad was very hard on them all. Our accountant rang this morning because we were firing off our “not happy Russ” emails at him last night. I think he might have been taken a back because not everything has been told to him. I didn’t hold back in sharing a few more things just to help him to understand just where we are coming from. He didn’t know that we were told we had to lease and he didn’t know that the input Murray has contributed has more than paid for the farm. But I had to tell him just so that he could see both sides.

My fill seems to think he is hard done by and that he has done just as much for us as we have for him. Yet there is a totally different side to that. Since this woman has taken over his life we have been set aside and that hurts. We even hurt over the fact that he would rather go overseas with her than with his late wife whom all she wanted to do was to travel and see the world. I have given up sharing my feelings and views with fil. I have lost my voice because he simply won’t listen. And that I am woman!!

I asked fil why he wanted to be with this woman and what exactly happened to break them up the first time. He told me she was flirting to much with other men and he couldn’t stand it. I asked him what has changed because she hasn’t. She is not the kind of influence I want around my children. The ethics she displays are not sound and particularly where there was a breach of the marriage vows caused by her. I want my children to have nothing to do with her because I don’t believe she is the kind of influence that would be beneficial – especially to my very impressionable daughter! I have known her since I was a child because her eldest daughter was married to a farmer near Collie and they used to come to worship with us in Bunbury when I was a kid. Even then I didn’t like this woman. She is the kind who needs competition and to know she is queen bee. She is that insecure with her lot. I don’t need that in my life. Just to know I have to balance that with the very few secure friendships I have scares me to death. I believe she is toxic to our whole family.

At this stage we are aiming to just get down to Busselton for a week or so. It will mean a bit of juggling and I would really like to sort this rubbish out first so that we can start the new year fresh and know exactly what we are doing. Then there is arranging someone to farm sit. Even staying in the city with my parents will be stretching it. It is just too important to be the family nucleus and go holidaying together to visit with friends or what have you. I don’t want to be around parents right now, not even mine! The kids have asked us if we can stay somewhere else anyway. There were a few incidences that happened in the discipline arena on our last visit that have changed their view of my mum especially. She is another example of a domineering personality!

In the meantime Heidi thankyou so much for the offer. We may consider it yet. However, we really need to stay close to home for now in order to sort out the mess. It is just so lovely to have friends and a beautiful support network. I don’t know what I’d do without you guys!

[Sarvi]

It’s so troubling when family disagreements spiral out of hand and start affecting not only people’s feelings, but also living situations. Wishing for the best for you. If you have a change of heart after chatting privately with the lovely gals here and venting a bit and decide you’d rather not have your family’s personal details on a searchable, public forum, no worries, just drop me a line and I’ll do a bit of housekeeping here for you 🙂 Hang in there! This too shall pass!

[Tamara]

Thanks Sarvi! Like I said, I don’t know what I’d do without you all here on this forum.

My sister says I need to write a book and has pitched a basic storyline to her friends – apparently they are gripped by it. She says I need to call is “come Hell or Harvest”. But then she is always one to think up crazy ways to cheer me up. There are lots of farmer’s wives who write but I think they make it all up and don’t base alot of it on real personal experience. Not that I know any published authors of the rural variety.

[meleliza]

Reading all the backstory, I was just thinking it sounds like an episode of Law and Order! Sorry it’s all been so hard for you! I suppose it’s not always roses running a multi generational family business. Did you ever watch Brothers and Sisters? I’ve been watching the reruns while I sew. It’s about a wealthy self made man who built a family business in orchards, lots of complicated land holdings, most of the children work for the company, he dies and all his secrets come to light. Constant squabbles over how the family should proceed. I suppose what I mean is that, while I know nothing about the reality for you, and my life is about as opposite from yours as it seems possible, it does actually sound like a compelling story. Maybe your sister isn’t crazy.

Oh Tamara, I hope you’re able to get some advice, or at least a shoulder, from others who understand better. It sounds like a really difficult situation.

[cybele727]

Oh dear. I feel for you all. And this is what I do. My husband does family business succession planning. Because of these situations.

If they don’t do it, they often end up on my desk. I sue family members over trusts, estates, and family business issues. Family farms are the worst. There is no liquid assets, and lots of hard work for a tough lifestyle.

We do lots of hand holding because it is $, love, hate, hurt, and anger all in one.

Right now I have 3 different horrific family scenarios about family assets. In two of the cases, they think my husband is doing the work. We let them think that. It is part of our strategy.

He plays good cop. He’s a good negotiator. All around nice guy. They think they can push him around.

I am bad cop. I come in with my legal briefs and motions. My legal papers hit like a nuclear bomb. I have a slash and burn style. After my papers, he gets to come in and say, you want to negotiate, or keep fighting? My wife writes good stuff.

They are like, oh that’s your wife? Usually they don’t want to have anything to do with me after they read my papers. I am brutal. It is a compliment of sorts, I guess.

I remember my first court appearance ever. I was against an older well respected attorney and my 5′, 103 lb soft spoken girly girl self walked in. Without meaning to, I humiliated him before the judge and an entire gallery. I earned an enemy that day. Slash and burn girl! It does not help when the judge laughs at you because a young newbie embarrassed you.

Oh well. At least my clients know I fight for them!

Know that I am feeling for you.

[Masha Richart]

Tamara and shannon, those are awful stories. They would be bad enough, if they did not involve family but to hear it is your own blood doing this to you – that is just horrible. I hope you guys have a great Christmas and lots of joy and security in the new year.

Having been fortunate enough to spend several Christmases in Jerusalem (visiting Bethlehem and Nazareth each time) I can confirm that it does get a bit chilly around those parts (though nothing like New England or the Midwest), and even snows sometimes! Snowy Jerusalem is one of the “cooler” sights I’ve seen in my lifetime (no pun intended!)

[with love Heidi]

Sitting here smelling gingerbread and choc-gingerbread biscuits (cookies) we made tonight!

[Mama_Knowles]

Yummy!

We will start our baking this weekend. This year we will be baking a gingerbread house, with any luck it will stand up when we are done. ; )

[Tamara]

Speaking of gingerbread, Noah’s class got to share a gingerbread house in class today. It was the one thing he was looking forward to all week.

We have just returned from the presentation night where the tractor costume was a big hit. It even received a special mention and a round of applause when the teacher made her speech. Very glad it is all over with. I will take photos tomorrow after school and post them. I couldn’t get a good shot of him in it on stage unfortunately.

[lattemama]

I haven’t baked as much for Christmas in the previous years but this year I went all out and made our traditional Lussebullar (saffron buns) and ginger bread. (Pictures on my Flickr-stream: http://www.flickr.com/photos/isabeldecibel/ ) The kids assembled a gingerbread house at my parents this weekend – we still haven’t taken it home.

I also made double batches of sugared almonds (almost gone – these were the girls’ favourite), chocolate coated coconut balls (bounty balls) and rocky road chocolate. Luckily I managed to give more than half of it away to the girls’ teachers so I’m not stuck with all of it at home – tempting me.

I work two more days – well, technically one and a half since Fridays are short days for me then I’m off until Jan 8th. So looking forward to some time off.

[meleliza]

Those buns look lovely, Lotta! And your house looks so orderly and peaceful for the holiday. I’ve decorated a lot less this this year and haven’t even started thinking about baking. Last weekend got completely taken over caring and worrying about my broken middle boy. And pureeing all his food takes up some time too. Maybe I’ll just leave decorating and baking simple this year. I’ll make some cookies with the kids over the weekend I think. Maybe gingerbread? I do have plans for Christmas dinner – English style mince pies and I saw this chocolate peppermint cake in a Williams Sonoma catalogue that I am desperate to copy.

[Sarvi]

Sharon, I lost track of where you’d made the kind gesture of opening your Christmas celebration to guests, but wanted to tell you how much I appreciate your open and loving heart!